Kids create our nation’s brilliant literary future

Where does literary comedy come from? Research has identified four primary sources:

• Google’s first link under “six word science fiction.” Oh. My.
• New York Times Book Review fans who annually set employee non-productivity records as they craft intentionally awful opening paragraphs to non-existent novels. The contest is named for the author who penned, “It was a dark and stormy night.” Read ‘em: www.bulwer-lytton.com
• Your old roommate, who routinely emails it to you with complete disregard for both your workplace harassment rules and for your young children, who somehow manage to guess your AOL password. (“password123” – now we all know it)
• The kids themselves
  And now, thanks to the last two…
• Me

Some years ago, after my radio career (“whuppa-whuppa-whuppa, watch for heavy and slow traffic moving southbound from downtown”), after my political speechwriter career (“and that’s why we need to ban triple trailers on Minnesota highways”), and before my barbershop quartet career, I found myself unemployed. I thought a newspaper ad for “readers needed” meant I would at last be paid to what I already did in every free moment.

We met in a fourth floor room of a tired old office building: a few dozen English majors waiting for that call from The New Yorker; artists waiting for inspiration; out-of-work salesmen; bleary-eyed musicians stumbling in from last night’s gig. Our nation’s literary future lay in our hands. How? By scoring the Oregon Statewide Writing Assessment. Unlike those fill-in-the-circle-with-a No.2-lead pencil tests, these had to be scored by real humans. Us. A few days of practice testing got us all into the groove and scoring alike, and we were off.

We started with a few thousand samples from Oregon’s third graders. The writing prompt: “Describe a time you were surprised.” Ok, look, when you’re in third grade, the answer, 90 percent of the time, is either:

• I was surprised on my birthday / Christmas
• I got a puppy / I got a bike
• My Christmas puppy stole my birthday bike

This phase was mind-numbing work, and our ranks quickly thinned. But two weeks later, we hit pay dirt. Fifth graders know enough and imagine enough to be interesting, yet are young enough to tell truths without filter.

Before breaks, the group would halt for five minutes to read aloud particularly florid prose or painfully good insights. My collection of nuggets has traveled with me for years, surviving failures of hard drives, operating systems and friendships along the way. And thus today we can sip from the fount of future literary inspiration.

Now, the great stories always start with great titles:

• Me and What Happened
• What Scares Me Most is Flying Axes
• The Goo from Heck
• The Unforgettable Infection

Vivid plots unfold, flexing authors’ imaginative faculties:

• It all began when I was eating a piece of fruit. Then suddenly I turned into a tiger.
• I've seen hideous aliens before, but none so quarrelsome as the Third Officer. (From Zalt!)
• The Ninja Turtles saved the day again and were awarded a trophy and a plaque and a hundred million dollars and a Lamberghini and a blimp.

Poignant turns of phrase make stories unforgettable:

• You'll be a tasty dog....
• When I die and have no freedom, please don't kick dirt on my grave. (Bob Dylan wishes he had written this!)
• It's every squirrel for themself, I thought.

“True facts” enlighten and inform readers on history: “Some people say the wheel was invented by prehistoric man, and that it was made of stone. I do not believe this because prehistoric man had no use for the wheel.”

Surprising revelations led us to wonder just what was going on in some homes. One child had a dog named Blood of Martyrs. Another complained about her parents’ divorce: “For a while my mom had a real stupid boyfriend and my Dad a very, very young girlfriend. Now they're both single again. My birthday is coming up, and now you people are asking me what I'd like to change. Boy, is my life confusing!”

The strongest authors use the platform to instruct and advise:
• I don't think clocks are harmful unless someone bashes you over the head with one.
• If there weren't any war, there would be a lot more places you could go to for vacations.
• So give a hoot, don't drop a nuclear bomb.

And finally, the words of a kid who knew there were more tests in his future: “Until eight grade, so long! It's all over, folks.”

Bonus brilliance from
"Kids create our nation’s brilliant literary future"

[Title] What Scares Me Most is Flying Axes

[Perfect Title] Me and What Happened

[Title] The Toilet That Ate My Underwear

[Title] The Goo from Heck

[Title] The Unforgettable Infection

When I die and have no freedom, please don't kick dirt on my grave.

I don't think enemies are the kind of friends you should have.

Hi, I am a scientist, and I was working late and I decided to try out my invention and it blew up in my face and then I was a parrot.

Everyday, fire kills about 100 million people. That's my guess. About 50 billion people are scared of fire. That's a lot of people.

I saw my dog talking and robbing a bank.... That's why you shouldn't trust dogs at all.

When I saw the bike, my eyes were as big as saucers. I jumped up and hugged my parents so tight that their insides almost came out.

Other Topics Include: The Invisible MC Hammer; FDR driving up in a tank (We’re not here to take you to a war, we just want to learn how to talk cool. Rad, cool, Rose-man! );

Being a truck driver would be fun, especially when someone is on strike you have to dodge rocks and people

No bunny will ever replace him.

But if money's tight, ask your kids to pitch in and help you buy a TV now.

What's so big about money? If people want to be rich, all they have to do is plant gardens and sell vegetables or sell horses they've found.

I was going to take an adventure today.... I put on my purple adventure suit and solar-powered running shoes.

I didn't know President Dukakis had 10 dogs and cats.

[Paper in its entirety] One thing I want to keep is my house, because I won't get too cold and I won't get too hot.

Indoor Dog Messes = Bathroom Troubles.

A group of billionaires stole my blanket, Tom. Let's kick Earthling butt.

How to Draw: I started with a dog, and ended up with a piece of candy.

[Stuffed Animals] The reason they're not real is because my mom is allergic to dogs and cats.

I was born at 7:13 a.m. I took one look at Dr. Spalding and I started crying and screaming.

[From out of the blue] I allways gits lost.

[A dog's name] Blood of Martyrs

[From Death of A Sheep] Next time in heaven I'll eat more and be more careful.

[From Zalt!] I've seen hideous aliens before, but none so quarrelsome as the Third Officer.

Werewolf Rules: (1) Be Careful; (2) Don't eat too many fat people; (3) Be kind to other werewolves. Make sure you're a good werewolf.

[From The Ninja From Portland] Scott got a sword and cut a guy's head off and his head came rolling sown the stairs with guts coming out. Adam said Nice going, Scott,' then kicked a guy in the nards.

One morning I woked up and I was a continent.

[Martian narrator] The Earth people won so they killed us and lived happily ever after.

This happened in the University of SuperTurtle Town.

One upon a time there was a snake named Sly. All of a sudden, he fell down and got amnesia.

Oh dear, another loneliness problem.

The Ninja Turtles saved the day again and were awarded a trophy and a plaque and a hundred million dollars and a Lamberghini and a blimp.

It all began when I was eating a piece of fruit, The suddenly I turned into a tiger.

An F-15 Fighter named Isaac

A dog named Minnie was browsing through the park.

One day a little alien named Hannah wanted to know why they have motels.

[What to do on a rainy day] ... chase cats out of the yard with a butcher knife.... I would fall asleep and dream that it was raining, catching the dogs and letting the cats fall on X-Acto knives, pins, tacks, rose bushes and needles.

It's every squirrel for themself, I thought.

Ten year olds should be able to watch dirty TV.

Milli Wormilla

When you get a divorce, don't bring your kids to Chuck E. Cheese's.

When my grandma and grandpa bought a new motorhome with their affluence, they finally went to see the world.

Shasta, the retarded cat, was struck by a truck and suffered eternal injuries.

Z-Oregon Kids - 2

My exquisite age, the terrible fives.

[at the mall] A lady for lost kids.

[Family vacation] The place we went most was gas stations.... The rest area is for cars to rest and people to sleep.

He told me that how I will get smart is to ask questions. I don't know this is true, but I think I should use my brain for think, not a warehouse for facts.

[Descriptions of teachers] She smelled like a sweet summer day when the dews just melting off the grass and trees. She always kept herself clean like a rose. Her mind was always ecstasy.... If I would have tasted her, she would probably have tasted like an ice cream with a cherry on top. She doesn't smell any different than anyone to me. After she helps, it's as easy as saying Bluizeralingtation.

My invention had the eyes of Joe McIntire, ears of Jordan Knight, stomach of Hulk Hogan, legs of Jonathon Knight, back of the Ultimate Warrior, face of Curt Cameron, and brain of my Dad.

[After building a time machine] I was so excited, I did a dumb and crazy thing. I married a Sumo Guy wrestler.... He said Me no care, sweetcakes.'

Now I'm even richer than Bill Cosby. (He's second richest.)

I heard that we need beverages to stay healthy and not get sick.

Inventions are made by a lot of popular people all over the U.S.

I don't think clocks are harmful unless someone bashes you over the head with one.

A radio is often really helpful if you're on a plane that's crashing.... The radio is an excellent invention that several people either need or use.

If we didn't have clocks, we wouldn't have time... and every body would be lost.

The toilet is useful to people because when they go to the bathroom they have something to go in.

Light helps people to see. Light is very helpful to people when they are in the dark.

Lamps were invented a long time ago. These lamps were invented to assist people in gloomy situations.... People need light so they won't go blind.

So give a hoot, don't drop a nuclear bomb.

[On English] It's a cross between one kind and another. See, when we weren't a place yet, we spoke all kinds of ways, but we didn't like them, so we made our own.

The wheel was invented over 5000 years ago by a man whose name is unknown. But whoever that man is, we should be proud of him.

Some people say the wheel was invented by prehistoric man, and that it was made of stone. I do not believe this because prehistoric man had no use for the wheel.

[Following divorce] For a while my mom had a real stupid boyfriend and my Dad a very, very young girlfriend. Now they're both single again. My birthday is coming up, and now you people are asking me what I'd like to change. Boy, is my life confusing!

If I could change one thing, I would make Fred Meyers [Department Store] smaller. I'm always ending up looking for my parents.

If you sit too close to the TV, you can get eye radiation.

[Closers] Until eight grade, so long! It's all over, folks.

You'll be a tasty dog....

I got in the lake. A fish ate me. It did not feel good.

Night mirrors took the place of dreams.

My favorite thing about knives is they help deliver babies.

One day a boy named Johnny and a nickname of Trouble was walking....

If there weren't any war, there would be a lot more places you could go to for vacations.