Keeping deals keeps family happy

This is the column I swore I wouldn’t write. For one thing, even allowing all respect due the publisher: who among us relies on the commentary page of the Kenosha News for authoritative parenting advice? And even accepting that unlikelihood, how in the world does one qualify to pronounce? Well... a lot of people do tell my wife and me that our kids are well-behaved. Maybe some of them are right.

So, I’ll risk sharing our parenting practices, appending to each these three disclaimers:

• It works for us.
• It works for our kids’ dispositions. Whether those dispositions are the product of nature or nurture is subject to debate.
• BOCTAOE -- “But Of Course There Are Obvious Exceptions” to any particular instruction.

For starters: Are we strict parents? My wise and sweet wife says “yes,” and for proof points to our household TV policy (closely metered amounts, seldom unattended), or our insistence on addressing adults as “Mrs. and Mr. Jones” (versus “Mr. Bob” and never simply “Bob.”)

I’d say we’re not so much strict as we are “unswervingly consistent” within the boundaries we set for ourselves and our kids. We’re pretty easy-going; the kids never have to wonder what we mean, how we’ll react, or whether no really means no. In fact, it’s possible that strict really means “parents being strict with themselves.” As a result, we rarely need to discipline our kids on the same topic twice. They get it the first time because they know the response will be the same the second time.

You can’t start early enough with the basics. Some parts we started before age one. It may only work if you start from scratch… but maybe not. We’ve found that applying our rules to guests in our home works. Other kids can be a little surprised; but they fall in line, too, when they find the zero-tolerance policy is administered evenly and cheerfully.

So here are the “secrets” – a few core principles expressed as mottoes that the kids can understand, repeat, and internalize. This in itself is crucial: if kids don’t reflexively understand the rules, they can’t follow them.

“You always get to choose. You can choose the easy way or the hard way.” Of course, this obliges you to offer only acceptable choices; never offer choices you can’t enact. Example: “you can wash your face yourself neatly, or you can mope and whine and have me do it for you and I’m not as gentle as you are. Either one is fine with me – but it will get done. Not choosing means you’ve chosen the hard way.” The outcome is always the same, but the reaction and behavior are in the youngster’s control.

“Whining never gets you what you want.” Never, never, never, never, never give in. Never. Because like water through the chink in a dam, if kids discover a weak spot in this resolve, they’ll try to leak through it. You need to be able to shut down any whining attempt with “Has it ever worked? No. Not today, either.”

These first two ideas are summarized into a more general term: “Cheerful we do all together; grumpy you have to do by yourself.” That means you are absolutely free to choose grumpiness; but you don’t have the privilege of inflicting it on others.

This most often comes into use when timeouts are required. Timeouts at our house are self-administered. Sitting in neutral territory, free of distractions/rewards (the upstairs steps work well), the kids know that Timeout will last until YOU tell us that you’re ready to be done being grumpy.” Wait it out. Let them cry, whine, etc., but never surrender. You will save more overall minutes of time in the long run if you bear with it in the short run.

To conclude the timeout, your youngster needs to tell why she received the timeout. Make sure her reason matches yours! Then, reiterate that the behavior is unacceptable. Be prepared to sling ‘em right back into timeout – immediately! -- If it is repeated.

Then, remember that “when it’s done, it’s done.” As a parent, you are cheerful and loving, not ogre-ish or mean-spirited. Punishment is not arbitrary, springing from the parents’ mood, but a direct, inevitable, predictable result of poor behavior.

The common thread running through all this is that the children from a very young age take responsibility for their own moods, expressions and actions. Every action has a consequence, pleasant or otherwise, following consistently from the code of behavior. This is a compact of sorts, and it leads to the crowning expression of mutual trust: “In our family, we always keep our deals… even when it’s hard.”

From an early age, we have made a ritual of it: “Do we have a deal? Deal -- shake!” and shaking hands. The physical act makes it more real – and easier for the child to remember.

Then, of course, the hard part: you MUST keep every single deal you ever make. This takes practice, in carefully making only deals that can be kept. (No fuzzying or gray areas, either – don’t teach them to renegotiate everything!)

This is the cornerstone of our family life. When we make a commitment large or small; the kids know with absolute certainty that it will be fulfilled, no matter what. Hint: find ways to keep deals the kids have forgotten, then point out that you have kept them – even when it was hard. This really proves the principle..

Oh, the payoff! By constantly making and fulfilling small deals, and absolutely requiring the same, there is seldom any question of compliance. Did you make the deal? Yes. Then you must keep it. End of story.

As children mature, so does this principle, from simply bartering behavior-for-reward to keeping the “life deal” of being a good student, citizen, and child of God.

What an eye-opening lesson this has become for us as parents: teaching your kids requires that you become a better person yourself. I wish I were as good a person now as my kids are already.